Not, as some may think, a quote of The opening sentence of A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.

But a Quote from Mister Spoke Quoting Dickens.

Only a small difference, but a very geeky one.

Anyway. First a warning, well, okay, second a warning.

My mood currently is indescribable. Not 'indescribably bad / good / Happy / Sick etc. But indescribable as in "I cannot describe it". Just think of all the emotions you can think of and I can answer "all of the above"

Where to start.

( Cut as over 1600 words - sorry )

To quickly recap the rest.

Went to Russ's last night and watched a bit of Sapphire and Steel and chat about my character in Dark Secrets (I love being an NPC). I had to go to them because Febs car's lights collum had broken and Russ' car had been smashed into and written off my a joy rider (who, apparently they have caught)

Today I saw my Care worker supporter. And had planned on going back to work.

But I was terrified.

I was, and still am, feeling not at all right. As I said, indescribable. And she suggested I see the doctor. I did and am now booked off work until next Tuesday. I really, REALLY hope I'm well enough to go back then.

Even though, at this moment, I am feeling okay. I'm not going to say I'm okay.

Because I cannot trust my feelings.

I love you all.

As many of you may already know. My Mother died at around 12:30 on the 25th.

( More details below cut )

Thank you to all who have given condolences and support. It means a lot to know your there. Viv has been wonderful.

Back from Truro visiting my Mom in Hospital.

( Cut as long ramble )

First day back at work on Tuesday, after finding out about Mom on Saturday.

By the way. I have spoken to Peter and he said he had just found my number (on Moms mobile) and didn't call before because Mom wanted the whole thing kept a secret until she was back nearer home. Which dose indeed sound like something my Mom would say. Whether it is true or not is irrelevant.

She is being moved today.

Anyway, at work I told Aman, my boss about what had happened and she was of course every supportive.

But I found I just could not concentrate. I worked for about 4 hours and did a lot. But the thought of having to speak to people on the phone and deal with their problems as if I had none was just getting too much for me. I was thinking about how I was feeling more than feeling, or working.

So I told the boss and he said to go home.

I'm off until Friday now. I hope to have my mind sorted a bit by then.

The strange thing is. It's almost as if I am a passenger to my emotions. I 'see' the effect they are having on me. Can easily work out the effect is caused by the situation and my emotions.

But I don;t actually feel them!

It's like emotions are a virus. And I feel the effect in my body. Like sneezing or a running noise is a side effect of a cold, caused by your bodies defence.

I feel the effect, but not what is causing it.

I can say to myself. Yes. I'm find, I don;t feel unable to laugh and smile and carry on as normal.
But something 'inside' is blocking it.

It feels strange.

But, once again that is irrelevant. I shall be okay and deal with things as they come. I just need to try and focus more on the now, and not on what will be.

I have just found out my mother is in hospital in Weymouth.

She's dieing. Liver cancer and leaking aneurysms in her stomach

My older brother, Peter, who looks after here did not call me. Viv got a call today from Debbie, my niece.

I am I guess estranged from my family, they just don't live in the same world I do, and cannot understand things.

It's hard to deal with my brother. He really dose not understand my 'illness' the fact I have depression and find it hard to deal with things.

He has not forgiven me for not being willing to have Mom move in with us. We couldn't, plus she would not have liked it at all.

But she did choose to move to Peters rather than stay local.

You see my brother sees only the negative in me. Sees me as someone who just is not bothered to do anything.

He dose not realise that I know this, and that its my mental state that puts me in this position. Not an actual conscious choice.

But I do understand how he feels, and why he feels that way.

So it's going to be hard to face him.

I have left a message on his mobile answer phone. I said we should put whatever is between us to one side for the sake of mom.

I'm going to have to go down there soon. Once Mom has been settled into a hospice. It's something that has got to be done and faced.

Thankfully I have Viv and my 'soul-kin' family, as well as my friends here to help me.

Okay. I said I'd update this thing so here goes.

Yesterday was okay. Went to Viv's work and fixed his PC and Laptop, both software problems.
Seems I have a 'knack' for this sort of thing. I'm no 'Tecno-wiz', that makes it sound like I know what I'm doing. I think 'Techo-Mage' is better. Fits more for me as I don't have the 'academic' knowladge but more a sort of 'common sence' when it comes to computers.

After that, went to see Viv's Mum and Dad. Glad her Mum is getting better and they gave us £30 to go out for a meal on 31st, our tenth wedding annaversry. I so wanted it to be extra special, Our 10th and Viv's 50th Birthday. But obvously current cercumstances won;t allow for that. Not fair. Still. I have an interview on Wednesday for a very low paid job just up the road. Basic first line support helpdesk. 'Just' enoght money to live on, but appartenly very good prospects. But then again I was told the same by IBM! I have been told I WILL be getting a third interview for the job I really want. Helpdesk Manager for a company in Leamington. Wow, life would be so so good if I got that. I think for me it would be easyer, but hard work obvously, but it's more looking after people rather than tecnical things. I'm sure I'd be so good at it. The only problem is my seeming lack of 'Assertivness! Ive never been a assertive person. Never had to, I get what I want without it! But I can't say that. I have tried so hard not be be too 'excited' about this, because the one thing I hate more than anything is disapointment. And I know I'l be so so disapointed if I don;t get it. I don;t know if I could take much more disapointment.

ANyway. Last night Mazehouse was on Sci-Fi. It's some 5 minute programes supposedly set in a 'live' ghosthouse with 'Live' Investergation. A Lot of excitment in the pre-amble. I joined a Forum and chat room about it. Nice bunch of people. However the first program was well, disapointing. It all seemed very 'fake'. If it turns out to be real I'll be very surprised.

Hogwarts chat was fun. Lost the tread a bit ecause I was chatting with Emma, Rich and Mandy at the same time and also chatting on the Mazehouse. But I enjoyed it. I really need HP at at the moment. So many wonderful people, real friends who I can talk to, and who seem to like me. I do hope it lasts and I don;t make a fool of myself.

Watch a Anime on Sci Fi in bed. Very odd one, sort of 'Chilish cartoon storyline, but also very 'X' rated in a number of scenes. no idea what it was called.

Got up at about 10:30 (because my bladder was about to explode if I didn't!) went out and got a copy of News of the World and Sunday People because they both had Harry Potter thigns in them.

Watched 'Holloaks' oh dear, that was a mistake! I might have to start waching it now!

Put Dinner on (Beef) and did a bit of cleaning. I often go into a Cleaning fest when I'm depressed. Thing is I don't feel that depressed at the moment. Maybe I'm getting used to it and didn't notice.

Made about 30 rollups for tonight. AD&D role play. Russ is the DM and it is SO GOOD! REally looking forward to it. Playing 'Marvo' (The first Marvo) and so so much is happening. Maybe I'll explaine a bit in next entry.

Well, thats about it so far. Off to check mail, check sites and maybe chat.